Philophobia: Helpful steps to overcoming the fear of commitment and love
Falling in love is a beautiful thing, you get butterflies in your belle, especially when it's a new love. You just can't get enough of the person, you want to see them, be with them and speak to them every time.
You get all these feelings until little misunderstandings and problem starts arising, it becomes big issues, until what you dreaded the most happens "Break up".
You begin to hurt so bad, you hate yourself for being vulnerable, for falling in love. You hate them for breaking your heart and not keeping to their promises of happily forever after.
You remember the good times you had together and it hurts, even more. You cry and cry till there are no tears left to cry. Sometimes, you even go into depression from feeling all these emotions, you begin to hate love, you withdraw from your loved ones.
After a while, you begin to heal from depression and all these negative emotions, then there comes that feeling of fear and hate for love and commitment.
Every single talk about love scares you, it brings back the memories of all that you went through, the fear of being heartbroken comes rushing in.
We have all experienced this at one point in our lives but what happens when this feeling of fear for love and commitment continues to haunt you every day of your life?
Most times, we come up with the excuse that we aren't ready for Relationships or love, we blame our singleness and loneliness on many things going on in our life but deep down you know that they are all just excuses.
Obvious signs that you are scared of love and commitment
• Being vulnerable is something you find difficult.
• It is still hard to let go of the past.
• Avoiding loving relationships is something you do.
• You have problem loving yourself and you also feel unlovable.
• You have the ideology that there can't be joy without pain and that joy doesn't last in love.
• It's hard for you to trust anyone again.
• Being in a relationship makes you feel trapped, so you avoid committing.
• Your real fear isn't to love, but the possibility of being hurt again.
• You place an excessive amount of value on being single.
Steps to overcoming these fears
Step 1: Honesty Is Key: Be Honest With Yourself About Your Fear
Being honest with yourself about your fears would do a lot in your healing. Get into the habit of asking yourself why you're afraid of falling in love. This is about improving your life, so avoiding the difficult parts will only make your situation worse.
You could also write everything out, all the emotions you feel. it is essential to identify the specific reasons you feel that way and the reasons behind your feelings.
Step 2: Feel those emotions to the fullest.
After being honest with yourself, you should then allow yourself to feel those emotions you are keeping all in. Cry again if you want to, shout if it would make you better, do everything you think would enable you to vent out those emotions and fears.
You should also know that the more you become aware of what causes your fears, the more you'll be able to experience those feelings to the fullest extent possible
Step 3: Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable.
You should understand that being vulnerable isn't a sign of weakness. Because one person took advantage of your vulnerability doesn't mean another person would. We are all different people.
Once you've gotten over your fear of being loved, you can take steps to be open with the person you now love, and you could even be vulnerable a bit. Emotional intimacy is fundamental to building a strong relationship.
Step 4: Understand that the process takes time.
As much as you would want those fears to go away overnight or at the snap of your finger, Understand that healing takes time. Total recovery happens day by day not immediately.
Even when you happen to feel sparks for someone new, you don't have to dive right in. It's a good idea to take the relationship slowly so that you can process your feelings.
It would also help you think about the relationship's value, all of which will help you build trust between you.
Step 5: Avoid generalizing: everyone is not the same.
You probably have been hurt repeatedly, so you conclude that all men or women are the same. Having this ideology and fear, you close your heart to anyone who shows interest in you or you probably love someone but keep it to yourself.
I want you to understand that not everyone can be like your previous partner. You should give other people the benefit of the doubt.
There is someone out there waiting to give you the peace and happiness you deserve, but you won't know because you aren't giving the chance to meet them.
Step 6: Make a change in your patterns.
Try dating someone who is the opposite of your previous partner. Don't jump into things without knowing about the person before becoming involved.
If you feel like everything about your relationship is the same as your previous ones, maybe you should rethink your approach to choosing your partner.
Step 7: You can't always control other's actions, but you can control yourself.
To turn your fear of love into confidence, you must also understand the fact that you are not in control of every circumstance in your life, nor can you change people or their actions; instead, embrace the beauty of the unknown.
Your emotions are controlled by you alone, and you're the only one who decides how to respond to life's circumstances.
Step 8: Be realistic when it comes to love.
You shouldn't set up fairy tale standards and expectations in love. Don't assume that once your fears are faced, all will be well in your life. That's not how to live and that isn't how love works.
Many people fall back into depression and fear of love after healing because of this mindset. Love comes with its ups and downs, fairytale love isn't real. Know this and know peace.
In all, remember that you are still worthy of loving and being loved. There is no guarantee you'll be with someone forever, but that doesn't mean one person has to be your everything, to the extent of blocking your chances to happiness and peace of mind.
You can still be loved whether your relationship worked out or not. Think of any situation you go true as a chance to grow and learn rather than letting it get to you.
Have you ever said no to a love you wanted because of your fears? Let us know in the comment section how you handled it.
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